Sep 17, 2014

Khooni Raat: Stylish Chudail, Deranged Dancer

Veerana. Dak Bangla. Purana Mandir.  My earliest memory of shoddy, horror movies dates back to the 80's and 90's when undisputable Ramsay Brothers ruled the genre with their one-of-a-kind cult hits and concoct sleazy, stomach-churning, and sometimes slightly wanton horror delicacies one after another. No cousin gatherings were complete without  late night horror movie screening on the home VCR. To this date, I flip through channels at odd hours to check if  Zee Cinema or the likes are telecasting any of such movies, much to my delight. Evidently, while the male ghosts had bulbous, hideous faces which looked like whipped cream or mutton chop with several fleshy undulations and eyeballs with no cornea,  the lady ghost liked to frolic around wearing a " Tide Ho to White Ho" saree, crooning the same eerie song after every 30-minute interval. Such was the fondness for this bloodcurdling, hair-raising genre that one of my friends very fondly reiterated the plots of these movies, although citing them like they were his own personal experiences  rather than giving credit to the talented horror purveyor, the Ramsay duo.

I have had this 'horror' keeda deeply embedded inside me since time indefinite. Sometimes I am so poorly throttled by boredom and crave for "thrill" that I end up humming The Zee Horror Show theme while winding up every day, mundane chores. Yes, I know that time beacons that I should get married or at least go out and make some new friends rather than seeking solace in the arms of Ms. Pointy Teeth or Mr. Beefy Muttonchops. But I am still popular amongst my friends as the " Horror" lady. My younger sister shakes her head in resignation whenever she sees me downloading another horror movie from the internet. And yet her exhilaration knows no bounds as she knows that she is about to witness another fun-packed night watching such monstrous movies with me. My mother pulls her hair out in despair realising that her miserable daughter spends most of her weekends watching such abominable movies or googling about them on the internet. Although, I would like to add that I do have a decent collection of likeable, well-appreciated and successful horror movies and sheepishly, I am sort of proud of it.

However, there is this one particular D-grade horror movie, Gyanendra Choudhry's brainchild, Khooni Raat which  I particularly enjoyed watching. No classics like The Exorcist, The Shining, The Orphanage, The Others or current triumphant movies like Insidious, The Conjuring or The Awakening can contend with it in terms of technicalities or the storyline.  Ladies and Gentleman, here's presenting a review of the classic movie " Khooni Raat" . Please pardon the lack of brevity involved while appreciating the movie.  

I would like to add that I take my job very, very seriously and did not treat this assignment as a snooze fest. I saw this movie twice on YouTube and was awake till 5 in the morning because buffering was sluggish and me and my younger sister (who swore revenge to me) had to take breaks in between as our partially suppressed laughter would wake my mother up, who would dart murderous looks and spurt cusses in turn. 

The film begins with random shots of cows grazing in grasslands. I believe this could be mainly because we Indians treat cows as mothers and no venture is successful without our mother’s blessings. The USP of the movie is a homeless man with ESP (Extra Sensory Perception) !!! Yes friends, this chaddi-clad fellow gets premonition of each of the murders and he gets it astonishingly right EVERYTIME !!!!

The ghost lady,"chudhail" is a very well-dressed, elegant and methodical lady who wears a Tide-white saree, starched, ironed and scrupulously worn with multiple safety pins. She has vengeance in mind and wants to whack down the bunch of insolent, lecherous scumbags who raped her (including a shiny baldy fellow).(Refer to Fig.2) .This ghost lady was a girl called Ruchi who had gone to arrange blood for her comatose brother and was kidnapped and killed by the goons whose leader was the brother of another girl who loves the dim-witted boyfriend of Ruchi. In her words, " Uss Daayan ne Meri Bagiyaa mein AAG laga di (though not Ram Gopal Verma waali AAG ) !!! ".

                                             Fig. 1 Bloody Night Poster             Fig.2 Tide white lady                                                                        

Apparently, this practice is followed every night before the dawn breaks and each murder is embarked upon by singing the song " Baar Baar dil bekaraar na hota" as the lady crosses the woods. The song appears in the movie 7-8 times (every time the stanzas are included!!) and is responsible for 1/2 of the movie's duration. Unfortunately, the lady is doomed with a deafening, cacophonic voice, thus, not making the situation any better. Along with the song,  there is also a insipid, recurring footage of a car driving aimlessly, at full speed along an empty road, with background instrumental track stolen from some english movie.

Since it is a sleazy, D-grade movie, the slaying usually take place inside the dirty bathroom of the scumbag's apartment. The ghost takes up a different avatar each time and seduces the men before butchering them inside the bathrooms which are shoddier, grimier  and dirtier than the loos at ISBT(s). Chronologically(Refer to Fig.3), This implies that, Eq.(1) is

Car on the road + Chudail song + Seduction inside Bathroom= Murder …(1)

Fig. 3 How murder takes place
Technically, the movie is based on Time Division Multiplexing Principle between three scenes: Driven Car, Chudail Singing, Murder with a few other random scenes (outlying signals) thrown in here and there. (Fig.4)

Fig. 4 Time Division Multiplexing of Khooni Raat

The movie came under limelight for its immortal, blockbuster song, " Jab se hui hai mohabbat". The dancer is a real humdinger and in my opinion, can put  Hrithik Roshan, Prabhu Deva and Shahid Kapoor to shame. Some of his moves:
  1. get up/sit down
  2. Do some kick-ass somersault and butterfly strokes
  3. spread arms like SRK (looks more like PT exercise routine)
  4. go round and round
  5.   Search for something in the bushes.
  6. Grab the lady in a tight embrace as she tries to break free(ironically , it is  a love song).Stifle/choke her to death.
  7. lie down; snooze for a while; wake up with a jolt.
  8. Give a sullen, lost, dazed, dumb (or whatever fancies him ) look throughout.
  9. Repeat
Fig. 5 Dance India Dance
Apparently, a scene was cut from the movie. But being a true " Khooni Raat" fan, I somehow downloaded the original uncut version. A crazy, sari-clad aunty dashes in the room, calling out "Shibu…Shibu….kahan gaya yeh ladka? " I don’t know who the hell Shibu was, I don’t know where the hell he went  but I do know that the aunty was angrier than the "bird" and staring so hard at the camera and giving a gory, reproachful look that both the cameraman and the viewers must have fled in fear lest aunty beats the crap out of them for kidnapping Shibu.

P.S. : Please don’t judge me. My choice of horror movies is a lot more sophisticated and refined than Khooni Raat. My curiosity aroused when I bumped into the link : . We swore to ourselves that one day we will sit through the movie, come what may and then write a review for it in tribute to the D-grade Hindi Cinema. 

Sep 3, 2014

Badhai ho, you are 27 now

9 December 2013: The day when I got fewer birthday wishes and more of unsolicited matrimony-related advice from relatives, friends and acquaintances .Also, the day I turned 27.
21-2                           Badhai ho, you are 27 now.
If you are only 'wretched' sheep in your flock who has not taken the marriage vows yet, chances are that you will be  subjected to a deluge of amusing and yet insensitive comments about being single. The very same friends, with whom you have shared the finest moments of your life will make life miserable for you by questioning your preferred choice of living, now that their own minds are enriched with newly found marital wisdom. For instance, one of my friends, who recently got married, went on and on for hours about a situation light years ahead wherein how, if I tie nuptials late, then I would be too old and hardly of any assistance to my kids in their own wedding preparations.
This, in turn, has affected my social life to a great extent because it is gut-wrenching to be around people who incessantly grieve about how my supposedly commitment-phobic, extremely picky or exceedingly ambitious nature might make me doomed to an uneventful, lonely life of spinsterhood and despair. Since my answers, in general, are mostly acerbic, I end up dodging them.
As much as I enjoy basking in the glory of my single hood, it is exasperating to explain to people every now and then that I might be alone as per say , but I am not lonely.  It is a pleasure to acknowledge that my friends are enjoying their respective idyllic marriages, but this fact never makes me feel any less privileged. So, when one of my closest friends from college uninhibitedly asked me if I was planning to "die alone !!!", I decided to write about this vortex of  ' Bothersome Questions & Comments' which I inadvertently  get trapped in, every now and then. Accompanying them would be my honest answers & opinions. Some of them might be quirky, so take them in a light stride:
images (1)Be Single, They say...Die Alone, They say...

  • " So…..when are we hearing the good news? " : About what? My marriage? My promotion? My babies? Or the fact that I have finally decided to clobber you black-and-blue so that you stop looming around and asking such meaningless questions??? Please be specific. And also, run for your life…
  • " Awwww… Are you not over your Ex-? " : I am sorry, which one are you talking about? Because, you know, I am very promiscuous !!!
  • "Is the delay because you want to pursue higher studies? But you can always study after marriage" : No, I can't. I wish I was as adept and proficient in juggling as my primate buddy, Minky The Monkey.
  • " Don't you feel lonely at home ? How do you kill time? " : No, No, not at all. I have an imaginary friend " Gudda", with whom I share my apartment ( Don’t be freaked out…). Every day, we conspire plans to make life miserable for people like you. The latest plan being, not getting married and annoying the hell out of you.
3530216384_voices_xlarge         Yeah, I will not marry and freak you out

  • " But, everybody in your friends circle is married." : I know. I polished off platefuls of sumptuous biryani in their weddings, remember? Can you see all this blubber gleefully encircling my waist? It is a consequence of my ravenous instincts coming alive while enjoying the wedding feast.
  • " It is really strange that your parents not looking for a suitable match." : No, it's not. Most of my father's time is spent in looking for his lost glasses. Most of my mother's time is spent is looking for my lost books and files and my father's lost glasses!!
  • "You should try and lose some weight too. That will help you get a good catch " : Oh yes, All these years of my life as a fat cow and yet, I couldn’t figure out that this was the main glitch in my matrimony profile. Enlightenment from a bigot like you was all that I needed at this hour .
  • ""Maybe your poor eyesight is the reason. Do something about it." : YeahI wear contact lenses but transform into a superhero and become eerily bespectacled after 2200 hrs. Do you know that I have started seeing some black spots lately? Maybe I have glaucoma too.
  • "Oh Darling! Please don’t be so picky " : I am not being picky. (Suddenly I am serious…) But I have as much right to choose my life partner as a girl a couple of years younger to me. A lousy marriage is way worse than no marriage at all. With time, the frustration and anguish cascades down to your kids as well. So, I would rather be single and sane than marry an incompatible person in haste and have an unhappy, conflict-riddled marriage.
main-qimg-171482e27ebfc7e262bfbabeb07b9ece (1)
  • This is my personal favorite…" But you are 27. Really… 27 !!!!! ". : Yes, yes, Sherlock Holmes. Thou art right. But, I know that. I have been devotedly attending each and every birthday celebration of mine till date. Also, I am adept in counting years.