Mar 13, 2010

Dear Papa

Dear Papa,

How have you been? I had been trying to establish this communion between us since a very long time, thinking of the various odds and ends involved with it. I know my love, affection and respect for you is misinterpreted each time because I am as inexpressive as you are. Probably because this inability to express simply runs in our genes!!!

I remember how much I hated it whenever you went out of Delhi for the official tours. It seemed that the whole house didn’t seem like home anymore and I would be scared of some unimaginable, uncanny fear spreading its tentacles, ready to strangulate me to death. Papa, I never told you before how much I missed your absence during those days but I could never have a peaceful meal until I would hear your voice over the phone.

Papa, during those student years, I remember how I used to be subjected to your tongue-lashing every month just because I would always be the second position holder in my class and not the first. I would be full of rage, sometimes on your insensitivity and sometimes on my own failures and inability to stand an inch taller in your eyes. To me, you and only you had been an epitome of hard work, dedication, optimism, leadership and resilience. I was always awe-inspired by your unshakeable confidence and tenacious loyalty towards your work. Thus, I persistently endeavored to match up to your expectations and the day you patted my cheek because I got selected in DRDO was perhaps the happiest day of all.

I can recall how scared and full of remorse you had been when I lost the hearing ability in my right ear due to a severe ear infection. It gave you tremors to imagine me on the operating table. I would cry to bed every day and ask the Almighty for forgivance for taking your pain to great heights.

Whenever I touched your feet before an exam, I would experience a sudden surge of energy within me as if the flux of blessings from you to me has gracefully and successfully taken place.

I know you still treasure those preposterous, little cards we used to give you, with innocent spelling mistakes and hilarious drawings of cats and ducks. Somewhere in the deep crevices of your heart, you still cannot cope with the fact that we have finally crossed interminable distance between naivety and adulthood.

But now, something inexplicable has happened…I have felt an unfathomable distance growing between us with each passing day. I have seen you withdrawing into a dark, melancholic, intangible world of your own, lost completely in your thoughts, of which I have feeble idea about.  I know you are proud of our accomplishments and are happy to see us as independent and mature women but deep down inside, we both know how distant we have become, physically and emotionally. Deep down inside, you have this fear that in a sudden urge to thrive in this competitive world, we will alienate you and mummy completely.

Papa, all I want to say is, you and mummy are the reason of my existence, who breathed in soul into my tiny, fragile body two decades ago. How can I weave dreams of my own without giving a thought to your  needs and expectations?

Today, i would like to tell you how indebted I feel to have you and mummy as parents in my life,how blessed i feel by your graceful presence and how inexplicably shattered i would be if I ever, knowingly or inadvertently, hurt you. Today, a daughter would like to make a humble request  to her ‘teddy-bear’ papa: ‘Have faith in me’.