Apr 29, 2010

To you I belong...


Within a span of five months, I have had experienced a sudden, tumultuous surge of emotions. I shifted my base from Delhi to Pune and finally I am heading towards Dehradun. It becomes painfully difficult to decide exactly where the compass of belongingness points to…

 Delhi, my birthplace, is a city that exudes inexplicable charisma and nonchalance and exhibits a congruous blend of all cultures. The scrumptious street food of Delhi had always aroused my olfactory senses. The mouth watering aromas and the lip-smacking tastes, resultant of secret recipes passed down the generations, lead to several jolts of euphoria. From the frenzied menagerie of the noisy traffic-infested roads to the reverberating silence through the various tombs, Qilas and minarets situated along the ruins of ancient Delhi, from the narrow bylanes of the clumsy yet humble clusters of dilapidated houses of Chandni Chowk to the affluent, posh colonies of the NFC, Anand Niketan and Vasant Vihar, my fondest memories diverge every sphere…

 Wherever I go, I carry my treasure box of childhood reminiscences of Delhi along. For instance, we, as school-going, tiny tots, on those rainy, muddy days, snuggled in our psychedelic, vividly colored raincoats, with patterns of pansies, ducks or hippos, proudly splashed mud puddles with our feebly developed shoe-clad feet, totally uninhibited by the numerous invasive, impending difficulties life holds in store for us. Memories of days when we barged out of our homes, in scorching summer afternoons, unaffected by the disapproving yet conniving looks of our parents, running barefoot and noisily along the narrow by lanes of the clumsy cluster of houses, joining fellow playmates in games  decipherable only to us, like ‘ghar-ghar’, stapoo, chain-chain etc still behold me sometimes.

 Probably, this was the first time I was on my own, several miles away from Delhi, in Pune and it had been both a wonderful yet a painful experience.

 However, Pune, especially DIAT memories refuse to wane… May that be the aroma wafting from juicy American corns we would buy from the small, roadside vendors along the vast expanse of Khadakwasla lake or the meandering, steep roads leading to Panshet Dam, the never-ending irksome queue at the CSD canteens or the contemplative, peaceful walks along the POINTS road, may that be the pleasant music reverberating from our hostels till late night or the swaying to the aggressive, fiery numbers on DJ nights, the cozy afternoon naps during the lecture sessions in the auditorium or the Programming Director always addressing us as “ Yes, Boys!!” failing to remember that there are 38 lady officers as well!!!

 Of course, these four months in Pune were a little nerve-wrecking and tumultuous as well. They literally shook me so much from deep within that I was not left with enough resilience to spring back to my natural self. What have I done to myself? Whom was I trying to please exactly? Everything that I tried to do; from changing my attire to my countenance and even my ideologies, was aimed to blend with the crowd. I lost my ability to contemplate and formed a new perception about myself; a self-image seen through the eyes of people who hardly held any relevance in my life. Somewhere amidst all this, I forgot that we all are special cases, we are the gifted children of the Almighty above, maybe not prodigy in some sense but we all have some incandescent talent in us, though hidden within rubbles of self-hatred, emotional infliction, incapacitation, lack of self confidence and self-deprecation. Now, I am indignant at myself; how could I stop loving myself so abruptly? How could I simply make myself feel unworthy in my own eyes? How can I overlook my virtues and make myself feel so despondent? How could I let any condescending, patronizing chap trample upon my feelings incessantly?

 Now, I am finally in Dehradun, the picturesque Doon Valley, amidst the captivating wilderness and the armoring mountains, trying to start afresh and abate the solitude…I have never been alone all my life but here I am, reclining on my bed, staring into space, with nobody to talk to, introspecting how my life is going to be from now on.  I feel like a baby bird leaving my nest, my cocooned abode, trying to acquire flight with my almost developed wings, still unsure and slightly petrified of the stumbling blocks life has in store of me. But, I am mustering more and more courage with each passing day and saying it aloud,” Bring it on, I am ready!!!”

                                                                                                                               

Mar 13, 2010

Dear Papa


Dear Papa,

How have you been? I had been trying to establish this communion between us since a very long time, thinking of the various odds and ends involved with it. I know my love, affection and respect for you is misinterpreted each time because I am as inexpressive as you are. Probably because this inability to express simply runs in our genes!!!

I remember how much I hated it whenever you went out of Delhi for the official tours. It seemed that the whole house didn’t seem like home anymore and I would be scared of some unimaginable, uncanny fear spreading its tentacles, ready to strangulate me to death. Papa, I never told you before how much I missed your absence during those days but I could never have a peaceful meal until I would hear your voice over the phone.

Papa, during those student years, I remember how I used to be subjected to your tongue-lashing every month just because I would always be the second position holder in my class and not the first. I would be full of rage, sometimes on your insensitivity and sometimes on my own failures and inability to stand an inch taller in your eyes. To me, you and only you had been an epitome of hard work, dedication, optimism, leadership and resilience. I was always awe-inspired by your unshakeable confidence and tenacious loyalty towards your work. Thus, I persistently endeavored to match up to your expectations and the day you patted my cheek because I got selected in DRDO was perhaps the happiest day of all.

I can recall how scared and full of remorse you had been when I lost the hearing ability in my right ear due to a severe ear infection. It gave you tremors to imagine me on the operating table. I would cry to bed every day and ask the Almighty for forgivance for taking your pain to great heights.

Whenever I touched your feet before an exam, I would experience a sudden surge of energy within me as if the flux of blessings from you to me has gracefully and successfully taken place.

I know you still treasure those preposterous, little cards we used to give you, with innocent spelling mistakes and hilarious drawings of cats and ducks. Somewhere in the deep crevices of your heart, you still cannot cope with the fact that we have finally crossed interminable distance between naivety and adulthood.

But now, something inexplicable has happened…I have felt an unfathomable distance growing between us with each passing day. I have seen you withdrawing into a dark, melancholic, intangible world of your own, lost completely in your thoughts, of which I have feeble idea about.  I know you are proud of our accomplishments and are happy to see us as independent and mature women but deep down inside, we both know how distant we have become, physically and emotionally. Deep down inside, you have this fear that in a sudden urge to thrive in this competitive world, we will alienate you and mummy completely.

Papa, all I want to say is, you and mummy are the reason of my existence, who breathed in soul into my tiny, fragile body two decades ago. How can I weave dreams of my own without giving a thought to your  needs and expectations?

Today, i would like to tell you how indebted I feel to have you and mummy as parents in my life,how blessed i feel by your graceful presence and how inexplicably shattered i would be if I ever, knowingly or inadvertently, hurt you. Today, a daughter would like to make a humble request  to her ‘teddy-bear’ papa: ‘Have faith in me’.

 

 

 

Feb 18, 2010

When you say nothing at all...


Silence is alluring…sometimes, it gives excruciating pain and sometimes, it is phenomenally comforting. Silence can drive you crazy at times, reminding you incessantly of the existent void in your life. But, at times, it can suture many time-inflicted wounds.

As they say, silence is the hardest argument to refute… At times, I would have futile arguments with my dad and the last move of the game would be played by him with the best weapon to be used against me, his silence. Sometimes ,lights would be turned off and he would retire to bed with my questions being unanswered and sometimes ,he would direct his whole attention back to the TV screen without paying any heed to what I said. I would be left stranded with confusion and frustration and would finally succumb in the battle of words.

Even silence can speak. Someone has very rightly said that spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart. It shows that someone is totally indifferent to your feelings, which inflicts even deeper scars than someone who is angry or resented by you. A friend of mine was truly and crazily in love with a guy who simply considered her as a good friend. Sometimes, he became so distant to her as if she is just another passerby in his life and at times, he would make her feel as if he was in love with her. Every day she would tell him how madly she was in love with him and how difficult it had become for her to step back. He would always be silent and never utter a single word about how he felt, listen for a while and then simply say, “Good night… It’s getting late.”

As an illustration of the comfort it exudes, whenever I would cry bitterly over several issues, trivial or like an ordeal, my sister would hold me tight and stroke my hair gently without uttering a single word. Her silence would say it all, that she understood my pain, that she would stand by me for time indefinite, no matter what and slowly, my pain would wane away.

It’s amazing how sealing the words away can give a new dimension to so many new aspects in life…Whether it is an apology to someone or an expression of love, silence says it all…words fade away and the eyes do the talking.

Sometimes if a problem annoys me or is too turbulent too endure, I prefer tearing away from the world and being alone for a while, within the four walls of my room or some other peaceful place. The silence exuded by the surroundings helps me to ponder, contemplate, find solutions to problems, gather enough endurance and bring a new direction to my life.

Now that it’s time to recline under the warm, cozy and caressing blankets of silence within the four walls of my room, I would conclude my post with a quote by Andre Kostelanetz,”Everybody should have his personal sounds to listen for - sounds that will make him exhilarated and alive or quite and calm.... One of the greatest sounds of them all - and to me it is a sound - is utter, complete silence.

Feb 12, 2010

Being mean!!!!

How mean can a person get!!! I have collected the crappiest, slimiest,meanest, in short, most insulting one-liners from books, cartoon strips and magazines. Trust me, you simply cannot gauge the limit of meanness in them...Enjoy!!!

* Ur teeth r so yellow, I cant believe its not butter!!!

* I don’t know what makes you so dumb, but hell!!! It really works.

* I wud luv 2 ask how old u r but of course, I know u cant count that high.

* I heard dat u changed ur mind. So, wat did u do wid ur diapers???

* Why don’t u slip into something comfortable…like coma??

* He dips sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as canaries.

* You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing your luck, beating around the bush and dodging the issue.

* Don’t piss me off!! M running out of places to hide bodies.

* Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes???

* Abracadabra….Nope, you are still ugly!!!

* Your mother-in-law is so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a new world.

* Your kid brother is so hairy; when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went crazy thinking that I’ve stolen one of their babies…

* Ur cousin’s so fat she’s on both sides of the family.

* Your wife is so fat, when she fell off a boat and the captain yelled,” Land Ahead!!”

* Your dog is so short; its best friend is an ant.

* Your sister is so damn ugly that when she entered the Society building, they turned off the CCTV camera.

* Your cousin is so damn ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Feb 2, 2010

There goes the rotund one!!!

A few days back, I couldn’t believe my ears when my father uttered the most beautiful phrase, “ Munmun Beta, you have lost a few pounds!!!” These words are elixir to my grief-stricken heart, a resultant of my rotund shape…LOLZ!!!

I cannot recall the last time when somebody has NOT commented on the additional pounds on fat I carry around my waist and my compounding weight problems have given me tremors down the years. From the past one decade, I have been failing consistently in keeping with my New Year resolution to lose some weight, the momentum falling flat with each passing day. In fact, I fell in love with CBSE Boards not only because I had performed well in my examinations but more because I could pump out maximum kilos miraculously during those stressful months. Trust me; I loved my ‘emaciated ‘look then!!!

Seriously, I had been rechristened “The girl with Size O “(O representing round and not zero, unfortunately) by my dear (???) friends lately. In fact, silly jokes like “We would need two tickets for Munmun”, “Look, a pothole!!! Did you fall (thump!!!) there, Mun!!!”, “Looking forward to see you in size zero”, “There goes the pregnant lady!!”; “You surely do love food!!!” fall flat and fail to entertain me anymore. They are passé. Yes people, I am a thick-skinned girl and these comments could never ever motivate me and I enjoyed them as if they were being darted on some other person. Even some blood- boiling insults hurled on me, like “Don’t wear my clothes else they would become too loose to fit me well”, some pseudo- hopeful sentences like “Sweety, I would like you more if you lose some weight “and some condescending ones like “You know, you are a little fat but I still love you because I do not go by looks”( In other words, Darling, I am a good Samaritan” ) could not make me step inside a gymnasium, the holy place for weight loss!!! Neither could comments like “Don’t you think this dress is a little tight for you…Kuch kar…Kuch kar” and “Beta lose some weight…Baad mein ladka nahin milega tumko.”

Once a salesman went, “HOHOHO….Mam, jeans of that size for women is not available so easily”, as I sweated profusely on trying several pairs of jeans, but in vain, making me glare at him with disgust and walking out of the store with a resolution to lose weight tremendously. Of course, every resolution vanished into thin air as I finally laid my hands on a suitable pair in the store next door. Hoho!!

Of course, this weight problem is not much of a ‘ turmoil’ for me as long as there’s enough space on my bed to toss and turn, the chair is wide enough to make sure that I don’t get stuck and my newly- found singlehood doesn’t leave me frenzied and emotionally broken… After all, 63 kgs is not all that I have acquired in the past 23 years. There’s more to me and my life than this weight problem. A girl does reside within me who’s beautiful in every sense, who’s sensitive, caring, and confident and who has more to do in life than worry unnecessarily about the lack of beauty assets. Maybe some losers fail to decipher this fact. And I am in no mood to justify my predicament to them.

Jan 13, 2010

Three cheers to Bunty!!!

This is testimonial that I wrote for my elder sis, BUNTY (!!!) on orkut but I guess, even that platform turns small when it comes to expressing my love for her. I love you, dear!!!

"Here Iam,writing a testimonial for my sister because her incessant coaxing and cursing gives me sleepless nights.Iam not doing that to embellish her profile or glorify our love for each other.But before i begin,all i want to say is that,the most difficult task in this whole universe is to testify your relationship with someone without whose presence,it is impossible to define what life actually means to you.The day bunty announced that she would be moving to Germany for her higher studies,i was devastated.I try every single moment to be in her shoes,emulate her and eventually adjust to her absence,but at the end of the day,i succumb to my inabilities.I miss the day when she used to pack my lunch(jam bread) whenever mummy used to fall sick and i wud relish that.I remember how we both used to do window shopping in 'anzal plaza' and pacify tumpa with small treats if we left her at home.
sit and reminisce how i gulped down yummy cakes baked by her under one breath and eventually mummy wud lock them away in the cupboard.Whenever i walk past Archies,iam reminded of the new year errands of buying cards for friends,which i used to carry out with her. Chhoti chhoti cheezen hain...How can i summarize the 20 years i spent with her in a few bytes.
Sometimes,i hold her clothes close to myself and holding back my tears,try to feel the warmth she exuded.Before she was about to leave for the airport this time,she staggered into every room cluelessly,crying miserably,as if trying to gather and carry memories along with her.I think of that day and burst into tears.I know my words would sound like an overstatement to some people,but do i care?
People say iam a recluse,way too reserved but if i have the two most beautiful women in the world as my sisters,i really wouldn't bother not being in friends with others.
Sometimes,i feel dejected,trying too hard to keep our family together and take care of their small issues the way she did but unable to match her fervour and intrepidity.To the world,blue is blue but if its red for bunty,its red for me as well.I hope this illustration works in my favour.Bunty,gup nahin maar rahin hun.Believe me.For me,you are perfect in every sense and iam proud to say that we are blessed to have a sister like you in our life.Had i been a guy,i would have married her.Kitni SEXY hai meri behen.Sorry,not able to show my literary skills in this testimonial.Iam perplexed,as if what else to write.

All i want to say is,just be the strong woman you are.Iam looking forward to the day when i will embrace my Germany returned,accent maarne waali Dr.bunty,elated,that she's still the very same person i have spent the 20 most beautiful years of my life with.
I love you,sis!!!"