Aug 18, 2009

Hmmm....Let's say, it wasn't meant to be???


When for the first time I fell in love, I was still in school. I was deeply, madly in love and this, being my first time, left me in a state of utter confusion. The guy was totally aware of this fact and was enjoying all the attention under the sun. Of course, I had already started dreaming about my life with him ahead without even mustering the courage to ask him about his feelings for me.

His incessant flirting was very flattering but I was too naïve to gauge his intentions behind it. Neither was I astoundingly beautiful nor amongst the popular girls. I was, in fact, avoided by most of all as I was seemingly boring and did not have it in me to woo someone, and most of all, to be carefree like others and enjoy life.

I couldn’t stop blushing whenever he walked past me. I would constantly probe my friend to talk to him about me as all that I had learnt so far in my life was to keep my nose dug in the book for endless hours .On days of his absence ,there used to be a large void deep inside my heart. The guy must have had a gala time watching one of the most sincere, reserved and dedicated student helplessly falling for him. I would call him now and then, on the pretext of birthdays, New Year wishes, so on and so forth and he would always reply with unparalleled rudeness, in monosyllables. I wanted to be around him, to catch his glances whenever possible. This must have went on for a year and I cried hopelessly on our Farewell celebration. During the county party, the whole class XII batch was in a state of complete shock to watch the wild instinct in me as I danced like an animal but I still regret that I couldn’t have a single dance with him.
Of course, my good performance in CBSE boards was my answer to his insensitivity and a slap on his face, which I physically couldn’t implant.

Once I had entered college, my dear friends arranged my date with him. I finally asked him the big question and of course, he gave me a straight answer,” NO”. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry, fret or brood about it and went on with the regular errands the very same day. Obviously, it must have awakened his somnolent male chauvinism and no stone was left unturned by him on spreading a bad word or two about my feelings for him All of a sudden; every teacher’s favorite had become everybody’s butt of jokes as if a Ghissu falling in love with a carefree, not-so-Ghissu guy was breaking news.” Really?? Munmun went ahead and non- chalantly proposed to him??? Oh my god!!! So even she’s that kind of girl!!!” Phew, I fail to decipher what kind of girls aren’t supposed to fall in love.

It has been four years since then and the woman within me still looks forward to confront him and question him on his insensitivity. My eyes dart back and forth at busy metro stations, college fests, shopping malls etc. I would inadvertently mention his name now and then and sometimes even shamelessly enquire about him from common friends. But I guess, I am a responsible adult now and have miles to go before I sleep. Sounds like a cliché but we all learn it the hard way. At least, I did. Of course, I don’t have any grudges against him. I am not endowed with so much of strength to carry such hatred in my heart for someone and yet continue to move on in life. Moreover, I and my closed ones would always shout in unison, “His Loss!! “.Lolz…

Trust me, I don’t hate him for his lack of reciprocation and still respect him for the person he was. He was sweet to me till the day he realized of my feelings for him. I still reminisce about those good old days. After all, things can’t be in your stride all the time. So, wherever you are, if you read this, then I would like to say that I am happy and I wish the same for you. Period.

4 comments:

Arpita said...

You always made me proud. And I am so glad that you don’t cease doing it :):)

Salute you for this post!!

One may claim to be honest and brave, but it takes a lot more than that to pen down something as intimate as above. I am not that strong as yet.

It is very-very hard to reveal so much of yourself to people. To express an episode in your life which may be you are not allowed to, because it may portray you as weak and emotionally vulnerable.

But you grabbed the pen and made way to a certain truth, facing the fact that you may or may not end up integrating amongst the societal norms. Kudos baby:)

And as I always say. That God-damn of a SOB was a loser! Didn’t deserve you. Period.

Munmun said...

This is what all we call the 'Sach Ka Saamna' effect....!!! LOlz.

A said...

could've very well been the story from my life....
the difference being I never mustered enough courage....something i'll regret possibly for the rest of my life, cos i couldnt overcome the fear of a no....

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...
Sure. it was his loss and not yours.